Going Through The Motions

Im so sorry and I mean it in every way possible. Even if it doesn’t concern me or your mad at someone else, i still want to apologize because i know im wrong. I don’t know anything, but if your mad at ME then im gonna admit it, I broke our promise. I never met to say anything, honest, but sometimes i can’t help it. You know me better than a lot of people, im always gonna say whats on my mind. Whatever i said, its from my perspective and they’re my opinions. I tell people that your wrong because in all honesty i truly believe that. Sometimes I just don’t get how you can treat someone that cares so much for you so badly. Like you tell me that IM bipolar and that I have such high expectations. What about you? Your so moody sometimes i have NO idea what to do. And to be honest, i dont have high expectations. If i did, we wouldnt have gone out at all because your not what i look for in a girl. But thats why i liked you so much because your so different. All i wanted was for my gf to care. Caring does not mean being affectionate. All i wanted to do on my bday was give you a kiss on the cheek, but no. I dont know if i told you yet, but i felt so stupid that day. I felt so humiliated. I didn’t want to be there. First of all i had a major fever and second, whats the point wen my gf wont even spend time with me on my bday. I honestly ask for only one thing. I think alot of times we understand each other but then we dont and our misunderstandings cause us to fight. And fights are normal, if we get through it it makes us better people, i guess that didnt happen. But even though ALOT of people ask me how can you still like a girl that treated you like shit i tell them all the good things about our relationship AND the bad things. I know you think im fake but im not lying right now. I am CONSTANTLY telling other people how amazing you are and how much fun we had together. I tell people SO many good things about you. I stand up for you when people are talking shit about you. I tell them everything i’ve ever liked about you. But you dont know that huh? You only notice when I do something you dont like. To be honest I do appreciate even the little things you did for me, but it seems like everything i do makes you angry. Nothing’s ever enough for you is it? Sometimes i ask myself if you’ve ever appreciated anything i’ve done. You have no idea how many times Ive gotten angry but i keep it inside but sometimes it slips out, like today. Never have i once told you that youre so fucked up i just let it go. It always seems like im the one that does EVERYTHING wrong because your the only one getting mad. Do i NOT have a right to be angry? Im sorry but im only human. I hate where we are now, honestly. I hate how uncomfortable it is around each other. I know its normal but i can’t stand it. I am so sorry and i hope you forgive me. Misunderstandings happen, and i didn’t mean it. I was just saying the truth. Ive never told anyone a lie about you. Honest. Im glad your FINALLY, TRULY HAPPY without me.

So its almost Valentines and everyone’s getting in the mood. LOL not in a dirty way. The school’s starting to sell carnations and everyone’s asking what they should give to their significant other. Part of me is extremely happy for my friends who are lucky enough to be content in their relationships that it makes me kinda jealous. To be honest i’ve never ever in my life celebrated Valentines day. To me it’s such a stupid holiday, maybe because it never meant much for me. Not to sound like a total female, but i actually wonder what its like to NOT be single during Valentines. How different it would be? After thinking about it, it makes me kinda miss you again. I was over it, really. But since Valentines day is so close, it makes me kinda miss us being together. You would be the PERFECT girl to spend it with. Us and our spontaneous dates. I miss the thrill of just driving without knowing what we want to do, but somehow it all makes sense. I was actually planning on doing something for you on Valentines day. Maybe a flower? Some chocolate? Nah, too generic. I dont know. I dont know if i want to. Found out some things today that kinda made me question myself. Im still in denial, really. Tell me its not true? Give me something to believe in? Sighs, Why am i so indecisive?